HippyCentral

“President Bush helped dedicate an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn’t that nice? He christened the ship by saying, ‘It’s great to be here on the USS Dad.’”

—Conan O’Brien

“The Wal-Mart chain is refusing to sell a book written by WWF superstar Mankind because the book contains a picture of a naked elf. Everywhere Wal-Mart shoppers are asking themselves the same question, “What’s a book?”

—Craig Kilborn

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teacher’s desk and said, “Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons.”

“Willie,” Miss Francis said, “you mean, ‘I don’t have any crayons.’ ‘You don’t have any crayons.’ ‘We don’t have any crayons.’ ‘They don’t have any crayons.’ Do you see what I’m getting at?”

“Not really,” Willie said, “What happened to all the f@@@ing crayons?”

So my dad was having “that” conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.

I said, “I’m over here, Dad…”

“A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish – the language that is spoken in ‘The Lord of The Rings’. Not surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss.”

–Conan O’Brien

In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.

“That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”