HippyCentral

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.

—Clarence Darrow

As time goes by and we grow older I think it is important for us all to consciously take inventory of our lives. To look in the mirror and objectively examine our character. To unwind the fabric of the psyche to see if our thought processes are based on selfish motivations and obfuscated reality, or on the firmer
foundation of faith, justice, patience and goodwill. It is a time to right wrongs and heal wounds. A time for activity and purpose. A time for resolution.

So I resolve to be a better man. A man of introspection and consideration. A man for humanity. A man whose auto-pilot is set on a steady course to enlightenment. Yes, I will change!

Man does have the ability to change! I will be progressive and free-thinking–in tune with the universe. I will listen intently to my brothers and sisters—especially the sisters, for I have not been fair to them. I promise, from this day forward, I will resist the temptation to constantly correct you. I will not spend my time finding fault with your logic. I will hear you!

I promise to listen and not just stand in front of you, mouth open and drooling, staring at your tits.

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his bus.”

–Author Unknown

“President Bush helped dedicate an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn’t that nice? He christened the ship by saying, ‘It’s great to be here on the USS Dad.’”

—Conan O’Brien

“The Wal-Mart chain is refusing to sell a book written by WWF superstar Mankind because the book contains a picture of a naked elf. Everywhere Wal-Mart shoppers are asking themselves the same question, “What’s a book?”

—Craig Kilborn

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teacher’s desk and said, “Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons.”

“Willie,” Miss Francis said, “you mean, ‘I don’t have any crayons.’ ‘You don’t have any crayons.’ ‘We don’t have any crayons.’ ‘They don’t have any crayons.’ Do you see what I’m getting at?”

“Not really,” Willie said, “What happened to all the f@@@ing crayons?”