HippyCentral

So my dad was having “that” conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.

I said, “I’m over here, Dad…”

“A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish – the language that is spoken in ‘The Lord of The Rings’. Not surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss.”

–Conan O’Brien

In the early 1930′s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.

“That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

“According to a new study, polar bears will probably be extinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can.”
-Dave Letterman

“Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear gas in New Jersey? Air freshener.” -Jay Leno

Last February, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine’s Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot.

As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9-years-old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine’s Day presents (since she didn’t manage to get them anything at Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. “How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.