HippyCentral

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his bus.”

–Author Unknown

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

“Honey?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”

“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly. “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”

“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented. “I’ll do it for you. But for safety’s sake, give me more than one.”

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

“The Democratic candidates are having a debate sponsored by the senior citizens group AARP. It was just like all the other debates except the moderator asked the same questions over and over.”

— Conan O’Brien

“The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it.”

–Dave Letterman

“President Bush helped dedicate an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn’t that nice? He christened the ship by saying, ‘It’s great to be here on the USS Dad.’”

—Conan O’Brien