HippyCentral

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.

– Cindy Garner

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

– Henny Youngman

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, ” The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss, ” But where were you yesterday?”

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.

—Clarence Darrow