HippyCentral

“Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. ‘Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.’” -Jay Leno

George S. Patton – “If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking.”

I’ve been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?

A: To the retail store.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.”

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife.”

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. “Doctor, I don’t feel too good,” said the little paper bag.

“Hmm, you look OK to me,” said the Doctor, “but I’ll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.”

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

“What’s wrong with me?” asked the little paper bag. “I’m afraid you are HIV positive!” said the doctor.

“No, I can’t be I’m just a little paper bag!” said the little paper bag.

“Have you been having unprotected sex?” asked the doctor.

“NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”

“Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?” asked the doctor.

“NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”

“Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?” queried the doctor.

“NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!”

“Well”, said the doctor, “are you in a homosexual relationship?”

“NO! I told you I can’t do things like that, I’m just little paper bag!”

“Then there can be only one explanation.” said the doctor.
“Your mother must have been a carrier.”