HippyCentral

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, “Rosa? Are you there?”

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really, really you, grandmother?”, the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, my little Rose.”

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my dear. Things are so much clearer now I’m in the great beyond.”

“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?”

At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office.

“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”

“You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Fisk. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking it, do you?”

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

— Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

— Henny Youngman

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.

— Cindy Garner

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”