Hippy is as hippy does
Archive for October 2007
An older man approaches a younger woman inside the mall. “Excuse me,” he said. “I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with a body like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.”
“Well, Ted, you’re certainly coming up in the world. What’s the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!”
“Oh, it was my wife’s idea.”
“Your wife?”
“Yeah,” answers Ted, “She thought I should spend more time with the kids.”
Women’s English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead
Men’s English:
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you tonight
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you tonight
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you that night
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you tonight
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you tonight
What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex right now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
The Washington Post’s yearly contest where readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words — and the winners are…
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
The teacher of the geography class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher’s desk and said, “Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons.”
“Willie,” Miss Francis said, “you mean, ‘I don’t have any crayons.’ ‘You don’t have any crayons.’ ‘We don’t have any crayons.’ ‘They don’t have any crayons.’ Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“Not really,” Willie said, “What happened to all the f@@@ing crayons?”
